


you made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful, i can't breathe

by jmzens



Series: while the wildfires rage, once the spring wind arrives, they will bloom again [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Hanahaki Disease, I'm sorry for the ending, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, M/M, Na Jaemin-centric, im sorry, jaemin loves jeno, jeno doesn't love jaemin, the ending is so bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 13:30:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17204267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmzens/pseuds/jmzens
Summary: "falling in love hurts, especially when the flowers i cough up remind me of you"jaemin's love for jeno is killing him





	you made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful, i can't breathe

**Author's Note:**

> i could have written this fic a lot better but i've been having major writer's block recently however i hope you still enjoy! <3

jeno and jaemin have been best friends since they were five and their mums became best friends, they grew up together and were attached to the hip. they would always be together in school and it was no exception when they were outside of school.

being neighbours with your best friend had its benefits. such as having sleepovers at each- others house nearly every weekend, spending every christmas since they were five together and being able to go to the other in times of need and for comfort. jaemin and jeno knew each-other better than anyone else and nothing could come between them – not even when they gained another five friends as the years went by.

however, being neighbours with your best friend who you fell in love with is an entirely different story. and suddenly jaemin found himself in a predicament.

the seventeen-year-old boy told his mum he didn’t feel as if he could go to school that day and so he ended up laying in bed for the whole day, ignoring any messages from his friends. _if only it was as easy to ignore someone in real life._

“jaemin!” the boy jumped in shock as he turned to face his best friend who was smiling at him, his eyes lifting to form crescents and jaemin’s heart started beating faster at the sight. “why didn’t you come in today? you ignored all of our messages as well” jeno let out a pout and jaemin felt himself grow weak at that.

“sorry, my phone was off and i just slept all day” it wasn’t exactly a lie, jaemin did end up sleeping but he could hear the notification sounds of the messages being sent by his friends.

however, jeno just believed his best friend and signalled for him to get back in to bed, climbing on to the mattress as well.

“jeno,” the boy felt his cheeks become dusted with pink as the older cuddled into him, “i’m sick, i don’t want you to get sick either.” jeno only ignored him.

“it doesn’t matter nana, just go to sleep”

jaemin slowly felt himself drifting to sleep as he laid his head on to jeno’s chest, the older stroking his hair as if he were one of his cats. if only they could be like this forever, _if only jeno could love him back._

-

the next day, jaemin was forced to go to school because his mum didn’t want him to miss anymore days and he was deemed to be _just fine_. jaemin could only scoff as he rested his head on to the cool surface of the table.

“na jaemin,” the pink haired boy turned his head to face renjun, another one of his best friends, “where the hell were you yesterday? you didn’t even answer any of our messages, do you even know how worried i was?” jaemin rolled his eyes teasingly at the brunet, _trust renjun to start telling him off._

“sorry jun, i wasn’t feeling well yesterday so my mum let me take the day off” renjun looked at his friend with worry in his eyes.

“you’re okay now, right nana?” jaemin let out a smile and nodded his head, “that’s a relief then, you didn’t really miss out on much anyways. apart from the fact that hyuck and jeno were all over each- other again.”

jaemin slowly felt his smile drop as he was reminded of the couple. _yeah, it was a good thing he missed out on that then._

-

the pink haired boy didn’t feel his mood get any better as the day went on, and it seemed to only get worse when he entered the cafeteria. jaemin sat with his group of friends on their usual table and was greeted with loud cheers from chenle and jisung.

“i’m glad you’re feeling better hyung,” jaemin gave a soft smile to the green haired boy.

“yeah we were getting worried about you,” jaemin let his eyes drift to donghyuck as the latter continued sipping his drink and leaning against jeno.

 _lee donghyuck,_ he was the first one out of the five boys to become friends with jeno and jaemin. they met when they were thirteen and jaemin found himself often enjoying the older boy’s company. it was refreshing to hang out with someone who wasn’t jeno. jaemin never had a problem with the loud brunet who had gorgeous tan skin, he’s funny, kind and smart but he was also jeno’s _boyfriend._

the pair only became a couple a few months ago, yet they still had a strong bond and genuinely loved each other, despite everyone telling them high school relationships don’t last long. jaemin supposed it wasn’t donghyuck as a person who bothered him, rather it was his relationship with jeno that did. and it didn’t only bother him, but it hurt too.

jaemin still remembers the day they announced their relationship to their friends. jeno had asked the other boy out and obviously he said yes, because who wouldn’t say yes to lee jeno? the boy that was the ideal son for every mum, the smartest boy in the year and the kindest. lee jeno who wouldn’t hesitate to help anyone in need, the boy who loved and cared for his cats despite being allergic, the boy who had a beautiful smile and an equally as beautiful personality to go with it. _the boy that jaemin found himself falling for when he was sixteen._

what jaemin also still remembers was the first petal that he coughed up after spending an hour in the bathroom, feeling his heart hurt every time he breathed in because the person he loved didn’t love him back. jeno didn’t love him back and it hurt so much. the boy felt a sense of dread ripple through his body when seeing the bloody petal lay in his hand; it was a rose petal. _he had hanahaki disease_

“how ironic,” jaemin said bitterly as he coughed up another petal, “that the flowers growing inside my body are the ones that symbolise love”

-

as the months went by jaemin found his condition slowly grow worse until eventually it got to where he was now, spending countless hours every night coughing up a mixture of blood and petals on to the white marble tiles of his bathroom floor.

jaemin wasn't stupid, he knew of the options he could take that didn't involve death but he didn't want to remove the feeling of love he felt for jeno because no matter how much pain it brought him, he couldn't get enough of it. he also considered the only other option, make jeno return his feelings. but he knew that option was practically impossible - jeno was too in love with hyuck to love jaemin back. the pink haired boy could hear his phone going off from where it rested on top of the sink.

**jeno**

do you wanna go to the cinema with me and hyuck?

we haven’t hung out in a while

 

jaemin quickly cleaned the blood that remained on his hands and he shakily held his phone. he bit his lip as he read over the messages jeno sent. jaemin couldn’t do anything else other than lean against his bathroom door, he was drained and didn’t know how well he could handle being around jeno, especially if it was with hyuck. it would hurt too much, maybe jaemin was stupid to be so in love with jeno.

**jaemin**

sorry i can’t

i have homework to do

 

 _falling in love hurts_ , jaemin thought to himself, _especially when the flowers i cough up remind me of you._

-

the pink haired boy felt a pair of eyes studying his face and when he looked up, he realised that it was mark’s. the elder looked at him with worry jaemin looked more and more tired as the days went by and he didn’t seem to be himself. especially not after donghyuck and jeno announced that they were in a relationship. in fact, mark and everyone else in the group could feel the rising tension between jeno and jaemin as the latter managed to distance himself from the other boy. although mark supposed that jeno could be contributing to that as well, he managed to find himself hanging out with hyuck more than with jaemin.

“jaemin,” the boy perked up in his seat a bit more at the sound of mark’s voice, “come with me, we need to talk” jeno and the others raised a brow at that but didn’t question him.

“okay hyung,” jaemin let out a sigh and followed the older boy outside the cafeteria and into the empty hallways.

“are you okay jaemin? you don’t seem to be yourself lately,” jaemin was taken a back by the question and he could feel himself getting nervous as the other wouldn’t stop staring at him.

“o-of course i am hyung, there’s nothing going on…” the pink haired boy let out a nervous chuckle but that only made mark’s suspicions grow. _great, way to be subtle jaemin._

however, mark noticed that the boy was starting to feel uncomfortable and let out a sigh, “alright jaemin, but if there is something going on then don’t hesitate to tell me, alright?” the other nodded and mark pulled the other into a hug, “i just don’t want to see you hurting”

jaemin didn’t say anything as he melted into the other’s embrace, he wished he wasn’t hurting this much either.

-

the next week, the whole group gathered at jisung’s house to have a sleep over. currently, they were all sitting in front of the television with a horror movie being shown. jisung was sitting on the couch next to jaemin and chenle was currently cuddling the pink haired boy, hugging him tighter during the scarier parts. renjun and mark were sitting in front of the trio, mark obviously being scared and hiding his face in the younger’s shoulder, something jaemin will remember to tease him about. the pink haired boy’s eyes then wandered and landed on to jeno and donghyuck’s figures that were huddled on the other couch. they were cuddling and jeno had the younger in his embrace, whispering what could only be sweet things into his ears.

“hyung,” jaemin felt a sharp tug onto his sleeve and turned to face jisung, “you look like you’re going to throw up, do you want to go to the bathroom?” jaemin was about to object but he could feel the petals come up, he nodded and jisung told chenle to let go of the elder boy. jaemin quickly rushed out of the room and entered the bathroom. he locked the door and the cycle of him throwing up the rose petals began again.

jaemin managed to get himself together and cleaned himself up, but when he opened the bathroom door, he saw jeno standing outside, waiting worriedly.

“nana,” jaemin felt soft hearing the nickname, “are you okay?” _that seems to be the only thing anyone has been asking me lately._ jaemin couldn’t bring himself to say anything to the boy standing in front of him.

a couple more minutes of silence fell between the two friends before jeno took jaemin’s hand and dragged him outside into jisung’s garden. the two teens stood in the open air, the cool summer breeze wrapping around their bodies and the sky full of stars stretched above their figures.

 “jeno…why did you drag me out here” the pink haired boy was starting to feel uncomfortable as he looked at his best friend.

“there’s obviously something going on with you jaemin and i know there’s been tension between us and i don’t know what’s happening,” the older boy started to grow frustrated at the lack of response, “please jaemin, please tell me what’s going on” jeno’s voice grew soft.

“it’s nothing, i swear” jaemin knew that jeno was becoming more and more agitated, “i just…” he felt the tears build up and he tried to make sure his voice didn’t falter. jeno sighed and pulled the other into a hug.

“tell me if you’re unhappy nana, tell me what you’re feeling because i just want you to be happy,” jaemin could hear the slight wobble in jeno’s voice, “things haven’t been the same recently, you’re my best friend and i love you, you know that right?” jaemin just pulled jeno closer to him.

“i missed this,” jaemin muttered, “i’m sorry i’ve been acting like this jeno,” _i’m sorry i can’t tell you how i really feel_.

-

that night, jaemin coughed up his first flower and the bloody rose was held in his shaky hands as he cried. he could feel the flowers blooming and suffocating him - for the first time since having the disease he genuinely felt as if he was on the brink of death. he felt as if the beautiful flowers were piercing his lungs and his heart - the amount of love he had for jeno could never be returned and he finally understood that. because it wasn't jeno and jaemin - boyfriends, it was jeno and jaemin - best friends. he knew he couldn't do anything about it - jeno loved another far too much for his heart to go to jaemin. 

jaemin finally understood the full pain of unrequited love as he grasped all the flowers he coughed up.

-

you made the flowers inside my body blossom; it started with your smile and i felt the first petal rest in my lung. your laughter made the naked stems bloom into something beautiful and my lungs were full of art; full of the soft pinks and pure yellows mixing in with the harsh reds and the vibrant purples, you made me feel like art, but you undoubtedly made me feel just as much pain. loving you hurt. i would clutch my chest as another flower appeared in my blood-stained hands; it was gruesome, it wasn’t pretty, but you were. oh god you were so damn beautiful, and i would endure anything for you.

i love you lee jeno.

                                                                                                                                        na jaemin

 

 

maybe in a different universe jeno loved jaemin back.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i'm not sure how to feel about this one, i feel as if the ending was really rushed but i hope it was still okay despite the slight open ending which i seem to have picked up the habit of doing now <33


End file.
